Biarlah....

Mode : Hibernation

It’s been a long time coming .I have always thought of going into mode:hibernation and finally i think i’m ready and prepared mentally to get into it. I even seem to have the right motive to go into hibernation now . My life’s messed up , I don’t know what am i going to do and simply nothings going right.The pressure seems to be mounting day by day and now it’s become too heavy to handle.I desperately need to ge my life back in place , to know what i have to do and what i will do.It’s time to take decisions to sort things out , decisions which should have been taken long before , and things which shouldn;t have been in a mess till now.

Mode : hibernation for me means switching off the cell phone , attending no calls , receving only extremely important ones , no newspaper , no internet and social networking sites (exception - blog). That’s pretty much it , but that’s means a hell lot for a person who spends his whole day on cyberspace and the rest on his phone.I haven’t excluded musci from it , cause i belive that’s going to help me take my decisons rather than distract me and though television has been excluded , i will only permitt myself to watch euro(canlt miss that).

I am already in hibernation since morning and so far it’s been good .Though i want to go back to plurking and switch on my phone but have been able to restrict myself from doing that until now.Wish i can continue for a while. I’ve been thinking all this while and thinking a lot, weighing all the pro’s and cons , looking at all the options , i just want it to get over;but i;m not rushing things after all my future depends on it .

I have been listening to damien rice and sharing my sorrows and pains, strangely thats guy gives me a lot of solace and peace and makes me feel that their are more people in the world other than me suffering through the same kind of problems.On the other hand some of his songs just inspire you to let go and just FUCK the world and do what’s important to you , that’s guy has been my true companion for he past few days and he is he one who made me get rid of the monster i spoke of the other day to some extent.I know a lot of studies await me and i do plan to attend to it.

Just wishing this hibernation things bears some fruit.It’s tough and pretty darn hard and that’s the reason why I wanna put myself through it.Well. that’s all for now and time to attend to a lot of unfinished business. Till then chew upon some lines from the song ‘rootless tree’ - Damien rice :

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we’ve been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There’s nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you’re around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you’re around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that’s been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless…”

Do you know who it is???

Fuck off! Just get off me!!!It’s getting to me ,infact it’s already gotten into me and eaten me up ;ya eaten me up! or is it still eating me??i don’t know.It’s driving me towards crazy things;things I hadnt even thought of doing until now..(like this rant)….i dont want it, i dont like it,but is there a solution??It’s on and it’s in and it wont be out soon.How the fuck did it get to me??..how ??

It just attacks you , evades your privacy , takes you away from your loved ones , and the invasion cannot be fought, it cannot be battled .You have to succumb to it ,it gives you no other choice,no other choice but to be a slave!Yes a slave, and once you give in ,it lures you into it even more by showing you things which you have always craved for but havent had it/done it cause you had controlled yourself until now, kept yourself away form doing it,stopped yourself from seeing your life getting ruined in front of your own eyes;but now there is no one to stop you, instead there is something to spike you, encourage you , force you and con you into doing it!

Don’t ask me what this thing is ,i dont know and nor does anyone else.You can’t see it but you know it exists now it want’s you.Of all the people it want’s you!!and from that moment on life doesn’t remain the same.It changes the way you think , the way you look at life and everything else around you.

It’s here with me , it’s looking at the laptop screen as i furiously type away  and it knows that im writting about him.It knows what im gonna write, it knows what im gonna say ,freakin hell it knows everything!!Oh wait!i see him now ,i can see it,why didnlt i realise it before?It was so obvious.It’s me, yes, it’s no one else but me .The me which was lost, the me which never came out,which was all this while in the shell trapped!The me which never got the chance to express itself, to have fun, to enjoy ,the me which cracked open with all the pressure that the other me had to deal with, with all the crap I had to face!

It’s still early in life and there’s a long road to ruin.It doesn’t end here , it continues ,continues till both the me’s get along ,till both the me’s get what they want , but what they truly want is not known by me. I still wonder ,and i wonder ,if it was me then why didn’t it tell me, why was it trapped till now??I think and think but i can’t findan explanation for it though I’m searching ,I’m searching and hopefully i will find it ….

At the end of it all as i see outside the question relapses , the same question which i though i had cracked , the question which had haunted me all this while , the question asking who is it and I blatantly answered it’s me, but…. 

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